Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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