my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize