New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
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