i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
