There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
