I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
