fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
