I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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