Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize