You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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