Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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