Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize