they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Randomize
