I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
