You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
