Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
