I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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