got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
