I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
