Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
