Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
