There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
