ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
