2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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