I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
