Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
