Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
