Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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