I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
