she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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