Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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