Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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