"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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