Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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