can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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