he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
