You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
