I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
