I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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