Where did you get a picture of my penis
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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