I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
