if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
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