dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
