Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
