How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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