Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
my god I love twenty year old dicks
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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