Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
