I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
