i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Of course I have a pirate flag
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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