Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
