At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
