apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize