id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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