the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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