just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
