i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
