Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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