Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Randomize
