can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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