Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
