I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
