remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Is it because I queefed?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
