which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
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